Just this step in front of me

There is something the Lord keeps calling my heart back to…over the last few weeks, and more so than that, through the last season of my life. Through graduation from university and all of my friends moving all over the country (and world). Through moving home, working as a waitress with a college degree and being asked all the time, sometimes with judgment in the tone, most of the time just with curiosity, “Oh, didn’t you graduate? And you’re waitressing….?” Through wondering myself sometimes, “What am I doing? Is this really the Lord’s calling or is this my making up what I am “called” to? Am I being crazy? Maybe this is good crazy?” Through praying through coming here, seeking wisdom on where to go and when, and support raising. Through living life in Nashville and loving the community He brought...and then through having to say "See you later" to that community.  Through being here and all that has entailed. His call continues…
Through the last year, and more loudly the past month, He keeps calling me.  He's calling me to faith.  He keeps whispering to my soul, Come, follow me.

To trust what I cannot see, to leave behind my fears and questioning and simply take the next step in faith. Even when it’s hard, even when it may not make total sense or be fully funded or be perfectly planned out, or whatever makes sense in the world’s eyes. To take that step. To trust what I do know in the face of much unknown. Come, follow me. To walk forward with Him, to follow the path laid before me by my Jesus, even when all I see is the very next step. To keep my eyes on Him, not on the mountains ahead or the things I fear may be in the way or may come, but to follow my Jesus. To follow Him through the hard things and the beautiful things. To choose faith, over and over. To choose it for my life, but more than anything, to choose it day by day, moment by moment. I can’t get through my days and know more of Him and glorify Him when I choose myself, when I choose to focus on frustration or things I don’t understand. I can only get through and point to Him as I live when I choose to focus on Him and to trust His ways…to trust His leading, to trust His timing, to trust His goodness, to trust His promises He gives me in the Word. Come follow me. To choose faith. And to find delight as I choose faith, because with that choice comes freedom and indescribable joy. Because when I choose faith, I choose Jesus, and I leave myself behind. I am less, He is more. Come, follow me.

He has been calling me to this in so many ways recently. Through the circumstances around me which can sometimes be overwhelming. Through Jesus Calling devotional. Through the Word, specifically Hebrews 11. Holding onto this and sitting in it right now. Through the messages at the church I go to here. Through this amazing message from John Piper. Through the ways support continues to come in. Through the days He carries me. And more than anything, through this beautiful song my dear friend Sarah McCary wrote. It’s called Faith. She recorded it just for me to carry with me over here, along with a few other amazing songs. The first time I heard it was in her kitchen during one of our weekly breakfast dates. It made me cry, for it was so my heart at that time. In recent weeks, it has brought me such comfort and spoken such truth to my soul. It’s not available for all of you to hear (yet), but maybe the lyrics will speak to some hearts like they have to mine. I really could just have posted these lyrics and nothing else and you’d hear my heart as of recent…

Near-sighted; hoping for a glimpse of where I’m going

But I’ve decided that I will follow You without knowing

Cause I believe Your promises are true

That my inheritance is found in You

So I will leave behind all the places I have been

And I will follow You even when…

I can’t see the ending, just this step in front of me

That You are calling me to take

Your will for here and now is clear

To step out of my doubt and fear

To hear Your voice and to obey

Moving forward; finally okay that I can’t see too far ahead

Cause what I’m moving towards is not a place,

No, it’s knowing more of who You are instead

And seeing that Your promises are true,

Finding my inheritance in You

So I will leave behind all the idols I have held

And let the living God reveal Himself…

I can’t see the ending, just this step in front of me

That You are calling me to take

Your will for here and now is clear

To step out of my doubt and fear

To hear Your voice and to obey

And my faith will have its failures

But Your promises remain

So all these questions without answers fade away as You guide me with Your grace

I can’t see the ending, just this step in front of me

That You are calling me to take

Your will for here and now is clear

To step out of my doubt and fear

To hear Your voice and to obey

You are calling me to faith

He is calling me to come and follow. To choose faith. A faith like Abraham’s, to follow even without knowing where I am going. To follow His promises. And so, I choose to listen for His voice, and to choose to take the next step in front of me as it becomes clear.

My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. John 10:27

update!

So, the last few weeks have been pretty busy and I've been a little bit sick the last few days, and because of all that, I've been super slack on all forms of communication...sorry about that!  Here are some pictures to help tell the story of the last few weeks, I am working on getting another post up that's more in depth....although they say a picture's worth a thousand words, so these are worth a lot I guess...so, here's what I've been doing:

Getting a front row seat to see some beautiful forever families united as a number of adoptions occur here, the closest to my heart being that of my dear friend Michelle (who I worked alongside with for 147 Million Orphans) and her husband Mike, who will be bringing another Uganda treasure home to Nashville from Amani!  Here they are with their sweet boy...

Having too much fun on Water Wednesdays...favorite activity day of the week

Simona and Jacob slip'n'slidin...the aunties have just as much fun as the kids!

Getting to know the market, working on my bargaining skills.  The vegetables and fruit here are SO cheap and delicious!

Loving on little bittys and learning how to use baby slings : )

Playing with the parachute...roadtrip down memory lane to elementary school PE every time this gets whipped out. The kids love it (see faces above).

Laughing at silly signs like this one....don't you want to go see who is up there?

Helping teach preschool to little bittys like this...teaching them how to write their letters, how to write their names, and lots of other fun things!

Taking William, the little boy who has stolen the biggest part of my heart, for a painting lesson and just getting to show him some extra love : )

Visiting my new dear friend Megan in Kampala with the other 3 volunteers I've become good friends with!  Bottom row: Megan, Hallie, Rakul; Top row: Me, Simona

Spending most of the day on the Saturday when we went to Kampala at this gorgeous pool, getting a few hours of precious relaxation time and sweet friend time. So needed and refreshing.

Figuring out what to do with toddler and preschool age kiddos when it rains most days of the week.  The rainy season is in full swing, and so we're having to get creative.  The ever classic balloon tied to the ankle game where you try to pop your friends balloon proved both hilarious and the cause of many tears. Probably a one-time only game for this crowd..

We've been reading lots of books.  Here we have The Very Hungry Caterpillar, always a crowd pleaser : )  Our most favorite book is The Jesus Storybook Bible ...thanks sweet Leigh!!! We read it every day in preschool!

Kidsitting with Hallie for my dear friends here, the Ives. Such a fun weekend!

Overall, loving on the Amani family...Mamas, Uncles and children!

So, that's some of what I've been up to! Along with loving Uganda, following my sweet Jesus, and of course missing all of you! Much love!

A Love language

I’m sitting in a circle with twenty five children ages 2 thru almost 5, and we’re singing songs. The children are choosing, one by one, a song to sing. One little girl asks to sing Blessed Be Your Name. It’s been a song she’s chosen the last few days. And those little voices start singing along with their aunties:

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious Name

You give and take away

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say,

Lord blessed be Your name

And I realize I’ve never heard anything more beautiful or heart rending…all in one song that I’ve known for so long. It’s been a song that has spoken to my heart before, but never like this. To hear the voices of orphans lifting this up…there are hardly words. Though they may not totally get it, they sing it, and they sing it out. They choose it, day after day. Children who have had much taken away. Children who could choose a very different tune. And yet this is what they sing. They sing a song to bless His name. They sing it out with their hearts. In the hurt and the pain and the joy and the beauty, they sing. Never has this song been more beautiful. Never will it be the same.

A week when I feel lonely, frustrated, and all over the place personally and spiritually, and I’m in a place where I get to choose to serve, and how to serve…with an attitude of love and joy or one of frustration and weariness. I wish I could say I always choose love and joy. I don’t. But He is working in me there. And as I’m walking through this week, we sing this beautiful song at Bible study called Empty Me. It’s new to me since being here, and I've heard it a couple times now. It’s becoming a theme song in my heart.

Holy Fire burn away my desire for anything that is not of You and is of me, cause I want more of You and less of me

My sweet sister sent me the newest Passion album to download. It is SO encouraging my heart!  New and favorite worship music.  Such sweet goodness.  Have gotten to listen to it with the other volunteers and jsut praise our Jesus. Go check it out if you haven't yet.  Let it speak to your heart.

 

To me, music is a Love language, and the Lord is weaving it throughout my days here.  I hear Him and I know His Love through music. Thank you Jesus for that beautiful gift!

Blessed be His name. Forever.

Overflowing abundance

Ok, so I don't want you to think all my blogs are going to super serious, make you cry ramblings...the last two have just been where my heart's been walking through, some heavy stuff. This one will hopefully balance those...thanks for still reading!

In the midst of heartbreak and heaviness, our Jesus brings such beauty and blessing. I serve a God who has conquered death, the God who is the the Giver of Life, and who promises me life abundant when I follow Him, even in the hard places. Maybe most in the hard places. I know that when I am in the hard places, I usually find myself nearest to Him. Right where i most want to be, always.  And there I find the joy and abundance so much more rich.

So, in the midst of seeing and walking through these hard things with these beautiful kiddos, I have had the most joyful beautiful blessings of community and laughter raining down on me...

Community is something I prayed for, longed for, and knew I needed coming here but wasn't sure if/when I was going to find it. Oh my silly disbelief. The Lord has brought an abundance of community...friends who are here committed to living their entire lives here, friends who are here from 2 months to 6 months, friends with whom I have hundreds of connections but never met until Jinja, friends who are just passing through but who have been a part of my life in Nashville long before Uganda...Sisters and brothers who share my heart for justice and loving people well and loving Jesus most, who are working for the Lord in all different ways here in Uganda. It is beautiful and delights my heart immensely! I get to go to a Bible study on Tuesday nights with some amazing new friends here, grab coffee or lunches or just hang time with friends during the week, and live with and serve alongside some amazing sisters. He has not only brought community, He has brought it in abundance!

Laughter has come in many ways. From dance parties with the kids to water gun fights, crazy African dances to silly songs and silly moments with the kids and with friends. There are some crazy things that happen that at home would have weirded me out, but here make me just laugh...kids finding a wall to pee behind while out on a walk because there's nowhere close we can go into...using bug spray to drown the ants attacking my purse...having to order 8 times because everything I order is out...having a goat ride in the back of my friends van with us...and on and on. These things here I just laugh about, because honestly, they are so not a big deal. Mostly I laugh with the children, and it soothes my soul. He is not only bringing laughter, but bestowing it in abundance.

This song has become a new favorite thanks to a dance party at a friends house a few weeks ago with her kids to this song, which provided lots of laughter, and it has now been brought to Amani to provide even more fun and laughter (we used it for the letter W--Waka Waka--and for S--Shakira...haha). Here is a peek at our dance parties...don't be too jealous : )

Over the last three days, I have watched a heart break. The heart of a little boy who wonders as he watches his friends prepare for meeting their Mommy and Daddy, “Where are my Mommy and Daddy? When do I get a family?” To watch as he thinks, “Maybe if I’m a little cuter and as long as I’m good, surely then someone will want me.” I watch as he puts up walls to try to defend against hearing the words “Mommy and Daddy” from his friend’s mouth who will be meeting his family soon…and then I watch as those walls crumble and the tears come rolling down. And for some special reason, the Lord has given me the privilege to get to love on this precious little as his heart breaks. And my own heart breaks with his. For some reason, He has me here to pray with this precious, tender-hearted child and to sing over him and just carry him to Jesus. It’s the only place I know to take him…before the throne of the One who is the Father to the fatherless and who places the lonely in families. And so I come to Him with a broken hearted boy held by a broken hearted girl, both children of the King, crying out to our Abba Daddy, for comfort and healing and for promises to be fulfilled, that He does not leave us as orphans.

And so I ask you to cry out to our Abba Daddy for us tonight. Especially for my sweet little friend. And to ask you to pray about adoption…if you’ve ever thought of it, or if you’ve never, just pray about it…because I think there are probably a lot of other broken hearts around the world tonight. May He be real to them.

Processing...

There are so very many things I am processing here. So forgive for the kind of stream-of-consciousness that this blog post is, but here goes…

There are so very many questions on my heart these days…How does anyone leave any of these precious children? That just does not make any sense to me. Even one. Some are brought here by their families as a temporary home to care for them, but some are just left…in sugarcane fields, in trash cans, at gates. Why?....How do I discipline in love a child who shuts down when disciplined? When her walls go up, how do I get through? How do I have patience when I feel like I have told a child the same thing day after day, and it doesn’t sink in? How do I communicate Jesus’ love to a child who is an orphan and has people in and out of their life all the time, mostly leaving them…over and over? How do I build a relationship and trust when in the back of this child’s mind they know I’m not here permanently and few people ever are? How are there so many orphans? There are over 140 million of them. WHAT? Why is the church not responding more? How do we respond?

And the questions keep coming. And at times I feel overwhelmed. At times I feel heart broken. At times I feel frustrated and so full of questions. And then I realize I am getting the most beautiful, tiny picture of His heart. The heart of my Jesus beats for the orphan. The heart of my Jesus breaks for the orphan. His heart is for children. His heart is for the vulnerable to know love and safety, and for the broken to know healing. He cries for the broken hearted child who feels lonely, abandoned, and misunderstood. His heart breaks for the abuse, hurt, and hard places these children have seen. His heart longs to protect them and love them and show them mercy.

And then I am completely humbled and blown away…that He would give me glimpses of these places of His heart. And even more just brought to my knees at the thought that He would use me in even a tiny way to show Him to these littles. When I am in a place of my heart breaking for what His does, I am where I want to be. I am where He wants me to be. I pray that He will continue to break my heart for what breaks His…that He will continue to give me His eyes…that He will continue to keep me and lead me by the right hand and whisper to me gently “This is the way, walk in it”. He is holding my heart together as it breaks. I believe I am right where He wants me. I could not be more thankful and have never felt more at peace. He has me right in the middle of His will, my heart breaking, but never feeling more free. How can I keep from singing His Name? He is the strength of my heart and my portion forever, and so I rejoice, whether the earth quakes and the mountains crumble and my heart breaks, I rejoice. My God will come through ALWAYS. He hears my heart’s cries, He comforts each child here and every orphan around the world, and He is working to bring His Kingdom here. I pray that He might continue to let me be a part of that, and that He will give me the eyes to see how He’s calling me to that. I am longing for Heaven on earth. Let’s bring it. Pray with me please! The Kingdom will come, and we can be a part. Pray for me to learn more of my part...I'm praying you'll learn more of yours too!

Nkwagala nyo,
Auntie Sarah

My Days

So so much to tell! These last few weeks have been incredibly full. I feel like I am finally settling into the schedule, so hopefully can get into a more regular schedule for updating this. I may play catch up and update on different things that have happened over the last few weeks over the next couple days, but as a summary, it has been AMAZING…blessed, stretching, humbling, fun, tiring, full, new, feels like normal, adventurous, and just all over the place.

My schedule during the week is pretty structured…For Monday thru Friday: mornings are spent with preschool for 2 hours, then toddlers for 2 hours—we do school with the preschool, right now working on learning our letters and shapes and colors; mostly just play with the toddlers and read books and go on nature walks : ) Then we help with lunch and getting the kids ready for nap time, followed by lunch and a break. Then for our afternoon time we alternate between activities twice a week (water activities, PE, puppet shows, etc), laundry once a week, and outings and one-on-one once a week each. Then I fall into bed after hanging out for a little bit. On Saturdays we do different projects around Amani—from moving trash into the trash pit to sorting clothes to cleaning rooms, it varies every week. We have Saturday afternoons off. On Sunday we go to church together at this amazing church that meets outside and then have the rest of the day free. I'm serving alongside 3 other amazing volunteers...there were 3 others here but they're gone now, so 4 remain. They are each amazing and bless my days with friendship, laughter, and their beautiful hearts!

Outings and one-on-one time are my absolute favorites! I am still having a hard time figuring out how to love each kid well when we’re in a big group setting…how do you love individually when there are 10 children in a room, let alone 24? It’s tough. Pray for wisdom there…it’s getting better as I get to know them better, but still very hard. But because of this, I LOVE when I get to hang out with them with one other volunteer or one-on-one. We go to town and get a soda or maybe a piece of cake, or stay here and watch a movie, or do some other fun thing to just treat them and hang out and just love on them. It is SO much fun and such a blessing! To be able to show a child they are so loved and to just get to spend sweet time with just them is a joy. So far I have taken kids to get ice cream, to the pool, to get cake, and to watch a movie…and lots of other fun things. I’ll try to add some pictures to accompany this, but just know it is a blast!

I have found my favorite place to be for naptime and bedtime prep is with the boys…they are crazy most days (imagine trying to put 17 boys to bed at the same time, ages 2 through 8, half in “big boy underpants” and half in diapers, all in one room….you get the picture), but I love it. My friend Simona (one of the other volunteers) had been here last year and always helped with the boys, and I decided to try it out with her…and now I’m hooked. I kind of love the craziness of it. I helped with the girls the other night and they were boring…haha. The boys just make me laugh and smile as much as they make me frustrated, and at the end of it getting to read them a story, hear their precious bedtime prayer, and to give them all goodnight kisses (and sometimes get a kiss or two back) is a beautiful delight. One of my favorite parts of the day.

The afternoon break time and weekend down time has been really good for my soul for meeting with some of the amazing new friends here who I have heard much of through sweet friends from home. The Lord is bringing community in this new place and it is just really incredible. More to come on that.

And this is how I have been spending my days. Loving God, loving His children, and learning so much! Praying He’ll keep me focused and in love with Him that I might pour that love out.

Nkwagala nyo (I love you much),
Auntie Sarah